Having hope

Dear purple butterflies,

This afternoon I was thinking about my young adult novel that I'm working on. At the same time, my brain was mulling over what my blog would be about. It's not uncommon for me to do this. Ask anyone who knows me well, and they will all tell you the same thing. I am infamous for doing too much. I am an overachiever, and I believe it comes from having a mother who was a teacher. For as long as I can remember, I was always asked to show my homework before I handed it in. I realize that my situation may not be any more different than the next kid. However, my particular homework load was ridiculously too much. I recall not being pleased having to sit up late to finish my work for the next day. Who'd of thought sitting up half the evening would be my preferred time of day to do my work all throughout my career?

Being an overachiever did bring good grades, but it also brought unwanted attention. Until high school, I wasn't the most popular person. When I was in elementary school and junior high, you were made fun of if you made good grades. It's not like the present day where "nerds" are cool. I felt like I was endlessly bullied.

Thankfully the bullying ended when I entered high school, but my self-confidence was still not where it should have been. You might be thinking Rachel, you were a teenager. All teenagers go through this. But I've had trouble with it most of my life. When Dale and I met, he had a hard time understanding why I had such a low self-confidence. I explained that it was years upon years of thinking that I was not worthy of love or friendship. I should add that by the time I met my future husband, I was all smiles on the outside, but on the inside, I was screaming! Even though I had a lot of friends to confide in, it was Dale who dared to rip the band-aid off. I can only imagine that folks were shocked that those walls were coming down. This new Rachel was not putting up with any more abuse of any kind! It was the beginning of a brand new me.

For the first time, I discovered hope. Tackling my Fibromyalgia and the depression isn't easy as you are well aware. The depression tries to repress all those old feelings of low self-worth. It's very easy for me to slip back into those old patterns. Now I hate to call myself a "project." However, this will be the best one of them all! If those dark feelings arise, I will remind myself of how far I've come. I refuse to give in to the sadness. I've told you in earlier posts that my blog is a part of my therapy. Have I ever mentioned that my book was the first of my written therapy? I don't have to tell you that I am pouring my heart and soul into it.

Those who've known about my book cannot be more excited to see it finished, than I am. Anytime I have doubts about my talents, I am reminded of Steven King, Walt Disney, and J.K. Rowling. They were just a few of the extraordinary people that were rejected numerous times. In 10 painful rejection letters to famous people proving you should never give up on your dreams, it's incredible to know who was once told no. Yet they never lost hope and pursued their dream.

So, what were you like when you were younger? Did you think it was essential to have a lot of friends and be accepted in school? Several years ago, I decided to share my condition with some friends. Little did I know that a few of those people would turn out to be fair-weather friends. I opened my heart, and most of all, my trust in them was now broken. It hurt like you wouldn't believe for a long time. Since then, I have healed, and I'm thankful for what's important in life: faith, family, close friends, and my career. Hope is the most certain thing I can hold onto. Hope that I will have a pain free day tomorrow. Hope that those whom I love will be with me for a long time.

Until next week butterflies! Be well!


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